Letter from Benny: How to improve boxing

Once again, my dear friend Benny took time out of his busy schedule to write a divinely inspired, thought provoking message. The theme of his latest email: “How can we improve boxing in 2011?”

The Benny I’m referring to is none other than Benny Ricardo, the former NFL placekicker and man of many talents. In addition to being a stand-up comic, he’s a football and boxing analyst on radio and television, often teaming with Hall of Fame announcer Colonel Bob Sheridan.

Here are the ideas Benny wants to implement in 2011 to improve the Sport of Boxing:

1. Have Manny Pacquiao lose his birth certificate so he can become Governor of California, then President of the United States.
2. Have the Senate investigate why the Red Corner always wins. It’s the You betcha bet. I mean come on, the ambulance is parked behind the blue corner. They should have a prefight Coin toss to see which corner a boxer gets to fight out of.
3. A boxer, any boxer, should date Kim Kardashian so that boxing will once again be recognized as a major sport.
   

   Kim Kardashian (left) and her talented sister Kourtney (right) have been known to boost an athlete's career prospects.

4. Decrease America’s dependence on foreign Heavyweight Champions.
5. Have the next Super Six tournament on a Carnival Cruise off the Mexican coast, that way nobody gets off until we have a winner.
6. Have the next G20 Summit include a World Championship fight in every division with Chris Arreola as emcee. As he interviews the world leaders, we can chuckle when interpreters try to translate Arreola’s four letter words.
7. Ad celebrity judges like George W. Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld. That way we can see once and for all if they recognize weapons of mass destruction when they see them.
8. To make people believe boxing is on the same level as Major League Baseball, mention every couple rounds that this fight can not be rebroadcast without the express written permission of Mike Tyson.
9. From now on, a heavyweight boxer should be required to throw punches. If they don’t, they should be instructed to drink one of those 5-hour energy drinks before each fight. British Petroleum plugged their oil leak faster than it took Audley Harrison to throw his first punch against David Haye.
10. Arthur Abraham had a legitimate excuse for not
    

    After together whooping Arthur Abraham, Carl Froch and his girlfriend Rachel Cordingley meet up in the ring to celebrate.

    throwing a punch at Carl Froch. He was distracted by Froch’s screaming girlfriend and that revealing dress with the bay window.

11. All boxing interpreters should be required to take English classes. Where do they find these guys? Thank God I speak Spanish, cause when I press one, I never understand what the heck they’re saying.
12. When you’re over the hill, recognize the signs: You begin to slur your breath, stutter your grunts, and you can understand everything Harold Lederman is saying. And, when the referee asks if you have any questions, you actually have one.

On a more serious note, I’m asking for everyone’s prayers for one of the greatest ambassadors that boxing has ever had, my announcing partner Col. Bob Sheridan. The Colonel recently heard the eight count but he got back up and is fighting his way back to health. A dear friend Marty Corwin put it this way, “Soon he will be complaining again”  I look forward to his complaints and the joy of having him next to me bringing boxing to the world behind a microphone as only Col. Bob can.